How Do I Say No When Everything Inside Me Wants to Say Yes?
We live in a world overflowing with temptation—food, social media, technology, gossip, shortcuts, and addictions, but long before smartphones, distractions, and modern pressures, Joseph faced the same human challenge: How do you say no when everything inside you wants to say yes?
After being sold into slavery by his brothers and brought to Egypt, Joseph rises quickly in Potiphar’s home due to his intelligence and integrity. He seems to be the indispensable estate manager but one person sees more than just business acumen—Potiphar’s wife becomes captivated by him and tries to seduce him day after day.
The Midrash says one day, when all the servants were out of the house, she cornered him and he felt himself weakening. At that exact moment, the image of his father (Jacob) appeared before him. He remembered who he was, the family he came from, and the covenant he carried. That memory gave him the clarity and strength to flee.
This moment was not simply about resisting temptation, it was about the profound power of Joseph knowing who he was. The home in which he was raised was one where relationships and sexuality were special and even sacred, meant to be expressed within loyalty and commitment. Egypt, by contrast, was a society with few moral boundaries. Adultery was common, and masters regularly took advantage of slaves.
Potiphar’s wife was not seeking a marriage or even an emotional bond. Joseph represented excitement without commitment, attraction without responsibility—and Joseph understood the cost. If he refused her, she could destroy him but if he gave in, he would destroy himself.
His ability to say no didn’t come from fear, it came from clarity. Once Joseph remembered his identity, the inner conflict dissolved. He couldn’t betray his father’s values or his own transcendent mission. Temptation loses its power when a person realizes that the choice pulls them away from the person they want to be.
When we struggle with harmful or addictive behaviors or destructive impulses we know are wrong for us, the real struggle is often not the behavior itself, it’s confusion about identity. In Atomic Habits, James Clear describes a person trying to quit smoking. When offered a cigarette, one person says, no thanks, I’m trying to quit but a different person says, No thanks, I’m not a smoker. The first person still sees the behavior as part of who they are — a smoker who is resisting but the second person has shifted identity; they no longer see themselves as someone who smokes at all. The change in identity makes the choice easier because the behavior no longer fits the story they tell about themselves. Real power is not in willpower, it is deciding who you are and allowing your choices to follow that identity.
If you consciously realize that family, faith, integrity, and kindness are the pillars of your life, then your choices will reflect it. The ‘price’ of this self-knowledge is honesty. If a company makes false calculations about their revenue and income, they will be bankrupt; a person who makes false calculations about their identity, they will not be at peace with themselves. The more you know yourself, the more natural it becomes to choose well.
Before acting or reacting to something you may later regret—anger, overeating, alcohol, petty theft or dishonesty—like not paying for a child in an amusement park because you lie about their age—ask yourself, is this action an expression of who I truly am or who I want to become? Is this how I want to be remembered? These questions cut through rationalizations and force us to focus on our higher purpose. When we are honest, we will have the inner strength to say no—not from fear of consequences, but from having integrity to our truest self.
Joseph teaches us that real moral strength begins with self-knowledge. In the heat of passion, he did not remember a rule—he remembered his identity; that memory became his shield.
May we too learn to pause, remember who we are, and choose actions that align with our deepest values. That clarity is the most effective way to know when to say no—and the clearest path to becoming the person you were meant to be.
Good Shabbos